With this set of beliefs in me, my life went on.
With enough people in my life who wanted to play the game,
I was therefore quite confirmed,
not being good enough.
I had to do something about it.
A fighting spirit arose.
I’m going to be the best.
I want to belong
I want to be seen.
It was hard work.
I found the solution:
To be a chameleon.
in every situation.
A handy tool, because I always saw exactly what
the other needed.
If you were a teacher, I made sure I was the student you could be a teacher for.
If you were angry, I made sure I was someone to be angry with.
If you wanted to be a leader, I would make myself small, and you could tell me how to do it.
And yet…it was never good enough!
Somewhere deep inside, I knew there had to be another way.
That I could be free
I didn’t have to adjust anymore.
That not everyone feels and sees how I see it.
That I’m not crazy.
That I could make powerful choices for ME.
Step by step, more self-love came in.
With this self-love, I could choose more and more me.
It’s special how much power there is in self-love
with just the intention.
I could feel love for parts of me.
My frightened child, my rebellious teenager, and my hard-working,
always looking for recognition.
Complete structures and safety mechanisms built in
that I could see now,
that I could say goodbye to.
I recognized the structures and connections
I see in others.
My sensitivity in it.
Feeling and working with energy.
I forgave myself for making that wrong.
I forgave others for being who they are and for what I felt they did to me.
I thanked them for the experience.
And chose not to join.